Reader Story: Abandoned
Shared by Ameenah Ross.
May 12, 2010 my husband announced to me that he was abandoning our upside down home and oh. Yes…The marriage too! The conversation went like this… well first let me give you the back drop….
It’s Sunday morning and we have just gotten up and are going through our routine of stripping the bed and getting ready to wash clothes.
“What’s wrong honey?” Now I’ve been married to this man for almost 5 years and with him for 7 so I know the look!
“I’m sick of this house; we’re just throwing money away on it. I’m ready to give the bank the keys and they can have it!”
“But if the house goes into foreclosure that will be on our credit report and how will we get another place to live?” I asked.
“We’ll get a place before it goes on the credit report…”No” I’m going to get a place before it goes on the credit report, I’m done with the house and this marriage!”
Taking a moment to catch my breath, I then repeated what I thought he said. Wait a minute…You said you’re leaving the house and me…I’m not going with you?
“Right, I’m done.
“What do you mean you’re done?”
As he walked into the clothes closet he mumbled that I wouldn’t understand!!
Now in shock and disbelief, I’m speechless.
In four days we were to host a house full of family and friends coming for my son’s (his step son) graduation from college. Three days after that we were supposed to be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary and the following Saturday I was proudly doing a book signing at Barnes and Nobles for my first book, titled “Depression Free …A Wise Woman’s Guide to Healing and Happiness” (how fitting is that for this random surprise!)
My first thought was that this couldn’t be real…That in a few minutes he was going to tell me that he was just kidding! Umm…he wasn’t.
A month from that announcement he moved out of the house on a Friday… while I was at work. Never said a word as to why he was jumping ship or offered an apology for the hurt and disappointment not only to me but to my children, grandchildren and other family members. These were people who had let him into their hearts, when his own biological family didn’t. My grandchildren couldn’t understand how he had just disappeared.
When Reggie abandoned ship he left me with two options… option number one was to fall apart…sink into a depression….beat myself up trying to figure out why he did what he did…or option number two, I could hold on to my faith in God and myself and keep moving forward. I chose to keep moving forward.
When I introduced my new book at my Barnes and Nobles book signing (Depression Free; A Wise Woman’s Guide to Healing ad Happiness), I suddenly realized that God had had me write that book for me! It was my proof that I had through my life obstacles and challenges become resilient. This was what resilience looked like. I was bouncing back …sure the wind was knocked out of me for a second but I immediately started to breathe again…little uneven breaths …then they got a little steadier …a little more rhythmic and then back to my normal breathing.
I cried but not too long or hard. I was disappointed because I had entrusted my heart, my time …my commitment to share my life with someone that I thought would be worthy of it…who would appreciate me giving my best. I was angry that he wasn’t man enough to even in leaving, do the right thing.
As women lined up to purchase and have me sign their copy of my book many had brief stories to share of what they had, or were going through with depression or relationships. I assured them that my book had great tools for creating the positive, purposeful happy life that we all deserve. I knew that because God partnered me in my writing. Only by his graces had I re- invented my life and had the conviction to say that even with this ordeal of abandonment that I must go through… that I was at peace and still holding on to my joy.
Out of the three years between Reggie leaving and our divorce I saw him two times. Once to have him sign papers concerning the upside down house that he had left me in that I was trying to get sold to avoid a foreclosure. The second time was to renew my dependent military card (since I was still his dependent) each time he was very nasty and I reminded him that I had done nothing to him and didn’t understand the behavior).
I never sought for the divorce. When we married we promised that after two previous divorces that we were not doing that again. I went on with my life and knew one of two things would eventually happen. Either he would come back, apologize for what he had done and tell me why or he would ask for a divorce.
Three years later I received his filed papers for a divorce, only problem was that he thought it would be automatic because he had been gone for three years and didn’t expect my counter suit on the grounds of abandonment.
Never in a million years would I have thought that the man I married would viciously and purposely lie on me. I now know that there are few things in this world that would surprise me, ever again!
From the time Reggie served me with divorce papers to the day of the trial for the divorce 8 months past. His Lawyer was angry because he was under the impression that it was an easy non contested divorce so he undercharged…the night before the trial Reggie decided to negotiate and settle.
I to this day have no Idea why he did what he did.
I will say that God is good. I never would have left the marriage …yet I was actually relieved when it was over. I gave much more than I ever received. I’m an optimist and he was a pessimist. He was actually draining my good spirit!
In hind site he did me a favor.
In hind-site I accept that the writing on the wall before the marriage told me that it wasn’t the best for me but because I wanted to believe that love conquers all i forged on with my blinders on.
I would say to anyone to believe what you see…follow your gut and don’t settle.
and NEVER make someone a priority that makes you an option!
I accept the lesson and though I still hope to meet someone to love and share the rest of my life with I won’t settle. There is no price for your peace of mind and happiness and you must be happy with you before you can be happy with someone else!
Don’t let a former failed relationship steal your possibility to develop a new one… Nothing is better than LoVe…except a good old hot fudge Sunday every now and again! Lol
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