Trying to Fall in Love, by Irasia


Fickle is I.
I want to run away from it all. Not just from him, but also from the constraining idea of a committed relationship.

When I have to question if he is The One, which when is asked, probably means he isn’t. But I don’t know the proper way to ‘run away’; if it can even have proper instructions since the phrase itself is so shady already. Is it even possible for it to feel so dutiful and tediously convincing of the heart? Shouldn’t it be done quick as a cinch? Shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t my heart know at its first beat? Would I even contemplate it this much even if he was without his most charming trait, a forgiving personality that allows me to really be myself (at my worst state)? Would I stay with him at his worst state? A state that cannot guarantee my any luxury? Without a promising future promised (as rare as these things come), could he keep my heart ignited? God, these sound like spoiled rants… Is it a problem I should look to fix? Or is “problem” a word too grandiose as it is so typical among everyone? I feel like a guy, unwanting to commit, wanting to run away at the first sight of the big ‘C’. But in a way, maybe the fix is as simple as waiting for the bells to ring at another encounter.

Maybe I’m not the only one to blame, as he isn’t the sole scapegoat I’m addressing either. Maybe no one should try so hard to stimulate emotions when there, simply, are none. I hope you don’t take me wrong. It’s really not you; it’s me.