Heartbeat: Favorite Hello and Hardest Goodbye
Shared by Siqixtea.
Sometimes you are happier and better off without the one that you thought you needed most and sometimes it’s just not meant to be no matter how hard you try to fight against your fate
I liked B for 2years plus. He was my bestfriend as well as the guy of my dream and he possess all the qualities that I’m looking for. I respected him a lot for having his own morals as well as being an uphold and upright man. When I got together with him, it’s like a dream come true bc he’s someone I never thought I will get a chance to be with. He got his own ideal type of girl which I’m afraid that I will never be so I tried all my means to be. Despite knowing what kind of guy he is, I still fall for him unexpectedly
Afraid that I’m never good enough, afraid that he would leave someday, I gave in to him all the times. I compromises every single thing for him as well as I sacrifice a lot of things for him. To me, he’s just like a king even when he did something wrong, I initiate to apologize. He was my world but I wasn’t even his city
I thought we were meant to be or even we will be together till death tear us apart and like any naive girls out there, I really believe he mean it as well but forever don’t side us, forever never once belongs to the both of us
Both of us went through quite a number of stuffs like any typical love story out there. The breaking of trust, the bad quarrels, the isolation period and the “break time” period. I never once give up on us even when I know that I’m not the only girl he has, even when I know there’s someone else other than me. I really don’t mind to lead an ordinary life with him even if a piece of bread is all he can ever offer me a day. I really don’t mind not living in luxury just for him but what I got back was nothing and his excuses of army, that’s why he doesn’t want to be involved in any relation, his excuse of still wanting to play and wanting more options than me
Through hard times, I stayed but he choose to let me shoulder all the blames and do the chasing again and again. I vividly remember how hard I cried to sleep everytime I know he’s with someone else or when I saw their “sweet” conversation. I thought I’m the only one who receive all these privileges but I was wrong yet I choose not to say a word about it
The most terrible part was when he decide that I’m gonna be just another girl, just another passerby and just another past time. He was very heartless towards me as he just left those loose ends hanging around there without clearing it up. He completely block me off everywhere as well as cut me off. Was it easy for him? yes, extremely easy but no to me
I was hoping that he would change his mind someday until I found out he got another girl 2 weeks later. I thought I’m irreplaceable but the truth is I’m easily disposable. every single day, I’d been asking myself what’s so not worth it about me that he can just let go without feeling any shit and that’s why the giving up on myself phase, the end of the world phase came about
Despite time being so hard on me, he did something else to make it even worst for me. He would scold me or even criticize me. So I came to know about him asking someone if I’m together with another guy, him bad mouthing me a month after the break up as well as knowing he cheated on me when we were together, 3 months after the break up. and it’s like whenever I’m well, something just have to come to break me down and stop me from moving on… but that’s when I came to realize that everything. and if you ever tell anyone about what I did to you, please don’t ever forget to tell them everything you did to me as well
He already became someone who’s a stranger to me, someone who I lost all my respect to, someone who doesn’t even have his own morals anymore and he’s like anyone else out there where he used to be unique and special
Sure, my life is screwed up and things changed a lot but there’s no regret to it. at least I’ve become stronger, I’ve see things in the view of people including his good brothers that say he’s never worth or he never deserve anything
But being someone that still love him a lot, ofc I wish him all the best as well as all the happiness in the world including mine bc I still want the best for him. I’ve never say goodbye to him bc to me, goodbye means going away and going away means letting go and letting go means forgetting
I don’t want to forget all the beautiful memories we shared as well as all the torturing, all the pain he inflicted to me bc I want it to be a reminder to myself that I will never love someone so much to the extent whereby I lose myself again. It’s never easy to find yourself back after losing yourself to someone you love. It takes time as well as a number of drunk nights, the harsh irrelevant scoldings just bc he want to be the good guy. Sure, you can be as long as it’s not against your conscience and if it’s not against your conscience, why are you still afraid that people talk about it?
You said you will always be here for me, you said we are gonna prove everyone forever exist, you said we will grow old together and till death tear us apart. I still keep all my promises to you but you were already long gone
You chose to give up on me; who gave you the whole world, who never fail to be there for you, who gave up every single just for you while I lost someone who don’t even love me that much or even half of it. But still, thank you for all these lesson that I used my feelings and my emotions to pay
You are good, you are strong. I’m never a match for you or even your game bc you are too much to handle and at same time, I’m too weak and too tired. I will never be as heartless as you, I will never be as cruel as you
I tried my best in loving you, in saving us even when I know you will walk away in the end but that doesn’t stop me from loving you unconditionally and endlessly. at least years down the road or when I’m on my death bed, I can answer myself truthfully that I already gave you the best, gave you all the things I never even have
No one ever dare to mention you in front of me, or even mention anything that’s related to us bc they know how hurtful it is and how much you inflicted pain on me. the distance between me and you will be I love you and yet you will never love me back
you used to mean the whole world to me, you used to be my everything but now, you are just nothing
With every breathe, I loved you a lil’ more
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Check out some of our past Heartbeat stories:
Heartbeat: Relationship at Turtle Speed