Heartbeat: Relationship at Turtle Speed
Alicia sent in this story and after reading it, I think she could really use some of our readers’ great advice. Please help her out!
My current boyfriend is 10 months in the making. We met last September in London as we both studied abroad there together. We met a few times at our US school, but never actually took time to get to know each other until we finally truly met abroad. I could feel him falling for me, and I liked him a lot, but I was extremely damaged from my last relationship and still trying to put the pieces back together. He wrote me a love letter one day telling me that “he knows my last boyfriend was really awful but he isn’t like that and he would do anything for a chance to show me that he is worth the risk.” I wrote back telling him that I would love to try things when we got back, but I didn’t want to lose him as a friend in London and I just wasn’t ready yet. Essentially, the dreaded “friend zone.”
We got back home and we started seeing each other and going on dates, but with both of us being really busy we didn’t have very much free time. He never made moves and I was concerned that we were doomed to stay in each other’s friend zone forever. So one day, about 8 months in, I manned up and kissed him first. Ever since then, we have kissed and made out, but nothing more. I don’t understand him. We now have been officially dating for one month and we have not gone farther than second base. And no, he’s not a virgin.
I act as a seductress and I don’t know how to get him to make a move. I’m not pressuring him, but after 10 months of essentially being together all of the time, I don’t understand his apprehension. He says this is approaching the most serious relationship he’s ever had before and I just don’t understand it. Why is he holding me at such a distance? He is not affectionate in public, he goes to bed early and cannot hang out very late so we do not see each other as much as I would like. It’s driving me insane. When we are together and when I ask him, I can tell that he is crazy about me, but why won’t he show it? Should I take the hint that he will never be an affectionate lover, or should I continue to be patient? I can’t tell if he thinks that I should be the one taking the aggressive role or if he’s comfortable with this turtle pace that we’re moving. I don’t want to come off too strong by grabbing his hand in public or by calling him ‘babe’ or anything affectionate at all. Where it’s at now, I feel like we will never get to where I want a relationship to be. I want to be patient because he truly is the most amazing guy, but with my past plaguing me it hurts me to be held at such a distance for fear of getting hurt. Do you think that he will warm up with time?
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