Reader Story: Overthinker
A reader sent in this story to me and I think many of you here could help her out by providing your insights, thoughts, and perspectives. Please read through and share.
Bubbles. It’s a word with such a broad definition, from creating bubbles for our own entertainment to the “distance” that many of us feel we need from other people. To protect ourselves is what we think. Hah!
Of course they can protect us from pain – from heartbreak. But at the same time we deprive ourselves the chances of forming the life altering bonds. For when we find the one, we not only find lifelong partners, but we change. We change with every person we meet, every lesson we learn. So why am I writing this?
I guess I feel the need to understand myself…the need to feel as if I’m not just a piece of metal…
I am a classic overthinker. And I am a coward.
I’ve had boyfriends in the past…but I never let myself get close to them…never close enough to truly fall for them… never close enough to truly be hurt.
My first boyfriend? He was super sweet…but I wasn’t even attracted to him…why did I agree to date him? He asked me out in the sweetest way I ever witnessed and I thought “hey maybe I’ll fall for him overtime” but it never happened…I knew he was way more invested in the relationship than I was…I was reluctant to hold hands or hug him let alone kiss…so I eventually ended it…I felt so guilt ridden…but I knew I had to, he deserved so much more…
My second boyfriend? He was seven years older than me…and with that…a lot more experienced…and months after meeting, we realized we had an attraction…but he was dating another girl…sure we continued talking and yes we respected his relationship. Apparently his girlfriend was the jealous type and so she deleted me from his Facebook, for God knows what reason. I didn’t even know till months later, until he re-added me. They had broken up. For over two years he continued to make excuses as to why we shouldn’t be together, age, whether my parents would like him or not, or whether it was just an attraction. I eventually stopped thinking about it all together. Until one day, he said, let’s give it a go. I never felt so elated in my life… but eventually I realized…I could never love him. Why? My heart had given up… I couldn’t even find myself looking at him or even walking beside him…
I am a coward. I overthink everything. I’ve barely even kissed a guy and it was so awkward I’ve never done it again. I’m afraid of failing so I don’t even give myself a chance to try, not kissing not anything. I just…I just…don’t even know what I feel anymore…I feel so twisted..so inhumane…I feel I will end up alone because of all this fear…this overthinking.
I’ve read all this stories from experienced people…what about people like me?
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