Heartbeat: Sex Drive
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I am a 22 year old woman, (sounds weird to call myself a woman as I certainly don’t feel like one) and I have a boyfriend. And that’s pretty much all you need to know for now. I’m just going to blabber on about my sex life for a while, (weirdly personal, I know) and if you feel like this might be interesting to you then please be my guest and read on. Otherwise keep browsing!
So, at the beginning of my relationship, that is to say the first couple months, I could be found complaining about my vagina hurting. The reason being not because I was plagued with spattergoit, (Harry Potter reference) but because of all the sex I was having with my boyfriend. It seemed that he wanted it 3 to 4 times a day. I am pretty easy going in this respect, and as it was the beginning of our relationship I wanted to please. However, there was one day when 5 times was enough and I could do no more. At any rate, you can gather that the boy liked his sex with me.
Now, 7 months into the relationship, things have slowed down considerably in the bedroom. And you must be thinking, oh this chick is just doin’ her stereotypical womanly thing and denying sex because she doesn’t feel like it, or has some how weaponized it against her boyfriend, thus the decline in the amount of sex. But no. Quite the contrary. My boyfriend completely flip flopped (in my opinion out of nowhere) into this creature that I sleep next to every night who tells me several times a day that he loves me, and even loves to cuddle before he falls asleep, but appears to no longer remember that I indeed HAVE a vagina. The sex drive just… gone like the wind.
And now… the problems arise. We have sex but he can’t finish. He blames me that I am pressuring him and he wants me to wait for him to initiate. But he never initiates. From having sex 2 or 3 times a day to 1 maybe 2 times a week in a very short period of time, I can’t help but think something is up? I am an affectionate person. I like to show people that I love them. I like to kiss my boyfriend, and before he never seemed to mind how much we kissed and now he says, “ya ya mi amor ya” (he’s Mexican) and if you can’t get what that means, it’s something along the lines of “okay ya thats enough babe”. And I feel like a crazy person. I try to initiate sex several times a day just to get some kind of reaction but no. Nothing. Always shut down. And on top of that, I’m told that I’m a crazed sex monger who needs to slow the fuck down with that raging vagina. Okay, maybe not in those words, but you get the point.
I’m not asking for validation of my relationship, or if he’s cheating on me or lost interest or blah blah whatever other insecure thing I might whine about. I simply wondered if I was being sexually overbearing? Am I the reason my sexual life has obscured itself into oblivion? Have I been too pushy? I certainly don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend if he feels like I’m holding a gun to his head screaming for him to put his penis inside me. That’s no solution to this problem.
And I realize that not every single man in this world is obsessed with his penis like we all make them out to be, but is once a day really asking too much? I am sensitive, and the rejection has obviously gotten into my head to the point where I feel like I have to blog about it… #Narcissist?
I have asked what is going on numerous times and I usually get defensiveness and excuses in response, no matter how delicately I approach the subject. I have also tried to back off and see if that would increase his desire to initiate but still no dice. The only time he initiates is if he or I has gone away and we haven’t seen each other for 4 or 5 days and he will unceremoniously pull my pants off and go on in. Where has the intimacy gone? He was never a romantic, but he was also not this in-and-out robot either.
I am whining a bit I know. But I have concluded that I am doing something very wrong, or there is something going on with him that has caused his sexual drive to plummet and he can’t get it back until he solves his inner issues that he refuses to share with me. Do I play the waiting game? Or do I do something more drastic? I live with him and we have a pretty serious relationship but I can’t help but be a 16 year old girl and overthink every tiny little detail until I have concocted a monsoon of negative thoughts that consume me, causing crazy emotional breakdowns.
Okay anyway just felt like speaking to anybody who reads blogs… so thanks for listening, or scoffing, or empathizing, or rolling your eyes, or sympathizing, or stopping after the first paragraph, or whatever else you did.
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